Diary
by yorozuyagaren
Summary: Kaoru finds a diary and belatedly realizes that it's Kenshin's, after reading a passage about her. Warning, angstyfluff crackfic.


I first wrote this as a crackfic in my junior year of high school, so it's timeline unspecific with little to do with anything apart from being an angst outlet. Being in a roughly analogous situation at the time (very, _very_ roughly, in that I had a crush on a girl that I didn't think I was worthy of, and felt terrible because of it) it successfully made me feel better without actually changing anything. Thus, although it is a crackfic that no longer has any real purpose, it continues to be cute and angsty in a manner that I'm rather fond of, in spite of it having little to do with anything. Let's hear it for vicarious living through fanfiction.

A note on Kenshin's dialogue: I came to the series through reading the manga, in which "sessha", the pronoun that Kenshin uses to refer to himself is translated as "this one". As such, I have used "this one" when Kenshin is referring to himself. For you anime-watchers out there, I do occasionally have him say "so it is" or some variation thereof to approximate the "de gozaru yo", but not very often since it has a tendency to sound awkward. Part of why I like Kenshin is because of his somewhat awkward speech pattern, but awkwardness, like many other things, is best used sparingly.

Yes, this is a one-shot. Sorry folks. See Author's note at the end.

Diary

"Kenshin, we're out of soy sauce!" Kaoru shouted as she strode down the hall of the dojo, looking for the man who had appointed himself housekeeper. She slid the door to his room open with a bang. "Ken-- shin?" He wasn't in his room. A book lay face down on the floor. Wondering at such blatant untidyness, Kaoru picked it up, reading from where the book had been left open.

_I feel unclean looking at her. Unworthy of her attention, much less her love. I try not to notice the little things-- her graceful wrist as she swings a shinai, the shape of her breasts under her gi, the slenderness of her waist. I feel like a monster to think of her that way. She's little more than a child, and I am man grown. I'm not fit to be anything more than her servant, barely worthy to do her laundry with my blood-soaked hands. She is innocent._

The handwriting was cramped and awkward, and Kaoru thought she had seen it somewhere before recognizing it as Kenshin's. Feeling more than a bit like a naughty child, she belatedly realized that the book must be Kenshin's diary. Below the passage was a mostly-finished sketch of a girl dressed in practice clothes and holding what would probably turn out to be a shinai, all of it quite good and obviously drawn with care. There was something familiar about the girl's features, and-- was that a ribbon in her hair? Kaoru snapped the book shut blushing furiously when she realized that the sketch was of her.

"I-- I had no idea--" she murmured.

"Idea of what?" said a cheerful voice behind her. "This one wonders what Kaoru-dono is reading, so he does."

Kaoru turned around slowly. Behind her was a short, red haired man in a patched and worn kimono, holding a small barrel of soy sauce.

"This one apologizes for not being here," he explained, motioning to the soy sauce. "But there was no soy sauce, so this one went out to buy some." He gave no sign of recognition of the book in Kaoru's hands.

"I-- I'm very very sorry," Kaoru stammered, holding out the book. "I found it on the floor, and it's so unlike you to leave things lying around--"

"Did you read it?" Kenshin asked, his voice sad. Kaoru nodded miserably. "Well, you can't unread it, and this one will not pretend that it is not his." He set the soy sauce on the floor, then took the book from Kaoru. "This one will no longer trouble you, so he won't," he said with a bow, then began to pad softly down the hall toward the front door.

"Wait!" Kaoru called after him. "Don't leave."

Kenshin stopped, nearly at the door. "This one has no wish to trouble you," he said. "It is better for all concerned if this one leaves, so it is."

"But the thing you wrote--" Kaoru began. "It's beautiful. And sad. Where did you learn to write like that? Do you really feel that way? Why didn't you tell me you could draw?" When Kenshin didn't answer, Kaoru ran down the hall and tackled him, catching him by surprise and sending the book flying. Her victim managed a half-turn and a surprised "Oro?!" before finding himself trapped in a hug that was halfway to a stranglehold.

"You're not a monster, Kenshin. I can't imagine why you would even think such a thing."

Something wet was seeping through the fabric of her kimono. Kaoru pulled away from Kenshin, still holding his shoulders in case he tried to make a break for it. There were tears in his eyes. "You're very young," he said softly. "This one is not. This one is not a fitting companion for you, that he's not."

"I think I'll be the judge of that," Kaoru returned. "I'm a grown woman." And to prove it, she kissed him. And when he tried to pull away in shock, she grabbed him by the ears and kissed him again. When she let him go, his face was nearly the same colour as his hair. Kaoru wasted no time, shoving him into the nearest room (the pantry) and untying the belt of his hakama.

"Th-this one has very little experience--"

Kaoru stopped fiddling with the belt. "But you're--"

"Twenty-eight, yes," he said, his eyes unreadable. "But this one joined the Ishin Shishi at fourteen, so he did, and afterwards became a rurouni." Here he smiled grimly. "No respectable woman has anything to do with a rurouni, particularly one who looks like this one."

"When you were the Battousai, though-- ?"

"It-- does not bear talking about."

"Well, those days are past," Kaoru pointed out. "You're not the Battousai, and you're no longer a rurouni. You live here now. And I love you."

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Author's Note:

First off, thank you for all your wonderful reviews. There were a few not so wonderful ones, but that's okay. Not everyone likes everything, after all. I just want to touch upon a few points that people brought up, and answer a few questions.

1. "Write more." I'm very very sorry, and it's probably my fault for not mentioning it, but this was meant as a one-shot, and therefore will not be continued. My other one-shot, entitled "Kaoru's Cake" is supposed to be a sequel of sorts (only not). I am, however, honoured that people liked it enough to want more.

2. "Kaoru wouldn't do that." Eh, who are we to say? I think she would, you may think that she wouldn't. In the end it's really all up to Watsuki-san, and no one else.

3. "What about Tomoe?" Ah, the most complicated one. After carefully watching all of Samurai X: Trust and Betrayal (the prequel to Rurouni Kenshin, in which we learn how he got his scar), I came to the conclusion that Kenshin and Tomoe were both too polite and awkward to actually do anything sexual with each other. Thus, my original portrayal of Kenshin as a virgin. However, having done some Wikiing, it would seem that they did, in fact, consummate their love (in the manga-verse, apparently, although when I was reading Jinchuu Arc I saw little hard evidence for it), therefore I have changed the wording around to make it more ambiguous. I still don't think they did, but that's me.

4. "Did Kenshin leave the diary out on purpose?" Maybe, maybe not. It could be that he figured that having Kaoru find out how he felt "by accident", as it were, was his best option, and acted accordingly. It would probably be in character for him to act like it _was_ an accident, but I'm not sure if he'd really be that sneaky and well, manipulative, particularly when such deep emotions were involved. Besides, there's also the fact that as crazy-mad skilled and all around awesome as Kenshin is, he's still human, so maybe he really did just have a brainfart. Or maybe-- it's both?! I'm thinking that he had been working on the sketch, then noticed that it was time to start on lunch, dashed out in a panic and got sidetracked with the soy sauce, and merely took advantage of the situation when he got back.

Hope that answers your questions, and once again, I'm very sorry for any misunderstanding. ^_^


End file.
